Friday, August 25, 2017

Love yourself like your life depends on it

So I was going through a little romantic issues with trust, opening up and loving someone else. I felt like I couldn't fully open up to no one because of my past relationship of me arguing, fighting, and just little childish things you do. I was holding on to so much pain that this person brought to my life the marks on my body, the black eye I had, to me living with my friends. But he wasn't alone in the relationship, I started things to if he was in parties dancing with girls on the ground or doing things I felt disrespected me. I was hurt for 4 months I was lied to and given rules that we can't text other sexes past 10pm, that we couldn't do this or that. This no longer was a relationship it felt like prison but I needed someone to love me someone to fill in the hole that my dad left in my heart the love I was denied. I let it slide, when we argued during homecoming and I got into my big car crash I realized a lot of things, a lot of hurt, distrust from him. His ex came to campus and was sleeping in my comforter that I left in his room, she posted pictures on social media while knowing who I was and what I was to him. But that didn't matter because my mind was playing tricks on me I didn't know if they had sex or what had happened. My friends went to his room to see if it was true but he never opened the door, after all the lies an RA telling me it was females in his room. After I just was escorted off campus by my parents. I never felt more of a pain than that night, and upon my return to campus I asked him if they slept together and what happened because some part of me knew the truth but I let him tell me a lie of she just needed a place to stay they didn't do anything he promise and love me. He had got an tattoo on his chest with a clock and the time being the date that we started going out. So foolish of me because that wasn't love, love is telling the person the truth no matter if it hurts that person or not. Love is not sleeping with another person or sending them nudes because you love the person so deeply. But you know what that was lust, I didn't fully love myself so how could I love him? How could I let him treat me like a prisoner? How could I let him hit me?

Well my guess is as good as yours, I just wanted to fill the hole, the yearn I had for my dad. Yes I had an awesome male figure who I love as a dad but I never had a dad to know what it felt like. I'm a hopeless romantic so I watch cheesy movies with dads walking their daughters down the aisle in weddings and I wanted that. I wanted someone to tell me they love me and mean it. That's why I stayed in a broken relationship, That's why I let him hit me because my dad did the same to my mom. But after breaking free I realized I didn't love myself as I thought. So fast forward a year, I had forgave my ex and tried to be his friend wrong choice at the time but I met someone who wanted nothing but the best for me but did I want the best for myself? We will soon find out when I let you in on the present. Lets fast forward to April 26, 2017 the day we became official the worst mistake of my life, I thought I was ready to move on but I wasn't. I let myself fall for him and tell him I love him and for him to say in return that he didn't feel the same. Anger grew inside me, and I wanted to make him hurt like he did me. I wanted to cheat on him, I wanted to break him as soon as he opened up to me because I felt pain once again for me to love another person after everything I been through and them not say it back. I wanted to hate him but I couldn't I knew I had to forgive him not only for myself but for his mistake. I called it quits as soon as he told me he didn't feel the same way but he explained why he didn't and I accepted it because as time went on I started to feel less in love and more in like. I started to get to him  for him and not the attention he would give me. I started opening up again letting him know the pain, the hurt, the failure I felt and been through. And we a grew a bond something that sometimes goes left when we have fights but we remember that we did this for a reason. But now lets fast forward he has a lot of females friends and I have close to 4 friends maybe if not even none. I felt alone again because I knew I couldn't trust females because of something that happened my freshmen year. I knew that guys are weak and every female knows there weakness. I felt that he would cheat on me too, that it would repeat of me finding female underwear in his room like I did my ex. But I tried to not let the past eat at me but the more I tried the more it did. The arguments grew the fights became violent, the hate grew in me. I no longer loved him and I couldn't change that. But I knew deep down I really did LOVE him. He told me in order to let go of the past I had to forgive my ex that I couldn't be his friend and that I needed to move on from the past.

So lets fast forward to today August 26, 2017 12:00 a.m, I just got into a another big fight with him and this time it was about trust something I haven't put in another person for 3 years. Yes I trust my mom, family, etc. But another guy I didn't trust them. So I overreacted to messages I seen between him and a female friend because he was complimenting her, out late or on the phone past 10pm something that stuck to me from my past relationship, now you ask me why after 1 year it came into this relationship the answer is because I grew into that habit, I grew into that like a lesson we learn in school. I accepted it and expected him to accept it like I did. I no longer was the victim I became the abuser I became what I hated. I became the controlling, forceful person that I left. I would hit him, spit on him, put him down and emotionally lock myself from him. Yes I know this sounds crazy but this was a cycle that I just realized I never broke. Something I carried on me like a weight something that eats at me in the night, something I couldn't get rid of. It was almost like a deadly disease eating at me one by one until I could no longer take it. Enough was finally enough I realized a lot, I had to read books in order to feel better this one book I came across changed a lot for me had me do mediation had me clear negative thoughts with I love myself, and had me practicing saying it for 6 mins. I realized I needed to tell myself this even if I didn't mean it because after a while I would begin to mean it. I had to realize that until I love myself, I can't love another person. I couldn't fully be open I couldn't forgive myself. That I let a man in my life who needed to die from it. Someone I wanted to be my dad but couldn't be a man to the first children he had so had 19 children in total. I forgave him not only for myself but for him because I am worth the fight, I am worth the love,  I am somebody and most importantly I am the only child he has in college. His life is no greater than mines. So yes I dropped him from my thoughts and became at ease. I no longer yearned for him, I yearned for the love of myself. Yes it takes time but I'm working on loving myself first before anyone else. And learning to trust and make new friends even if it makes me look weird.

Love yourself like your life depends on it.

Because in the end who will you really be hurting but yourself. 

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